Transitions in Marriage

Dear Kids,

Someday, when you’ve dated someone long enough that you know what kind of marriage partner they will be, you will want to get married. There are some things that are very helpful to hear before you get married about the transition into marriage. 

There is a misconception, I think, with expecting life to be exactly the same when you're married as when you are engaged or dating. This is not true. Don’t get me wrong though. There are some things that will hopefully stay the same. You relationship with your spouse will stay the same. You will still depend on each other for everything. You’ll still be with your spouse all the time and even more now that you are married and living together and yes…It is a much better idea to get married BEFORE you live together. Fun fact…couples that cohabit before married are about 33% more likely to get a divorce than couples that wait to get married according to research. Anyway…This is all good stuff that needs to stay the same as you transition into married life.

Some things need to change as you give yourself fully to your new spouse. It seems like a novel idea but your relationship to others, needs to change. Let me explain a little.

There is a story about two male friends that work together and go out to lunch together on their lunch break. One time the wife of one of the friends comes along to the lunch destination. While waiting for a table, the wife see another man on his way out of the restaurant that she is obviously very familiar with. She lights up when she sees him and they embrace and laugh and talk for a minute or two, touching each other casually on the arm and shoulders as they interact. The unmarried work friend assumes this is a cousin or a brother, judging by the comfort and intimacy of the contact with someone other than this woman’s spouse. When the wife comes back, he says, “I didn’t know you had family around here!” She responds, “Oh he’s not family. He’s my best friend. We've known each other since we were kids. He’s the best.” 

…

The friend looks confused over at his married co-worker about his wife’s relationship outside of their marriage. His friend returns with an expression that says, “don't even get me started about how weird and inappropriate this is.” It was obvious that this “best friend” relationship had been and likely still was a point of contention between husband and wife. I wonder if the wife would be as comfortable with the idea of a “best friend” that isn’t your spouse if her husband also had a female best friend that wasn’t her…

This sort of scenario plays itself out constantly among married couples. Whether it’s on Facebook or text message or in the workplace. Spouses do not seem to understand the boundaries that need to be set after you are married. It’s not because every private exchange with someone will lead to infidelity, even though it could and constantly does throughout the world. The main point is that you become one with your spouse. You leave all others, even parents behind to complete your life with this person. 

It certainly isn't the norm to follow and abide by boundaries after marriage. Many couples will think you are totally silly for conforming to certain rules or might even go from silly to offended and think you assume things will get out of hand. Just remember, many of those people may have had a divorce or two in their past.

Set boundaries and give yourself completely to the love of your life and none other.

Just some things that I’ve been thinking about lately. Love you guys.