Communication and Conflict

Dear kids,

I want to start off this time by saying I’m so glad that you are my kids and we get to be an a family together! I love all three of you (maybe more someday but three is good for now) and your mother so much, it’s difficult to put anything substantial into words. You could say, it’s hard to communicate how much I love you in words. Lucky for all of us…communication happens in many more ways than just words! That’s what I've been thinking about lately.

First, I think it’s beneficial to define “communication” so we have something to go on here. One definition of communication that I really like is, “the successful conveying of ideas and feelings.” I like this because it shows that REAL communication is successful. If you are really communicating that you are successfully conveying ideas and feelings. We’ve all heard people say, “well he just doesn’t communicate” or “you’re not communicating with me.” These are all sort of inaccurate. When you feel someone is not communicating, what you really perceive that they are communicating is that they don't love you or care about your relationship. That’s why it's so frustrating when some is “not” communicating. The truth is…communication never sleeps. You are always communicating something whether through your words, your actions, your facial expressions, your decisions, your dress and grooming...do you get my point? You are ALWAYS communicating SOMETHING.

Since there are always at least two people involved with communication, another part of communicating is…yep you guessed it, receiving that communication, or listening. Listening is so important if we want to show or communicate back (see what I mean by communication never sleeps?) that we care about what the other person has to say. I bet you can already think of the ways that we show someone we are listening actively to them. We nod our heads and say things like, “yeah… uh-huh… I know what you’re saying…uh-huh”. We can also make eye contact and keep our hands distraction free from phones or other things to show the other person that we care about the conversation. Experts call this tracking. Keep in mind that tracking and what is socially acceptable can change in different cultures so what might be nice and polite here could be offensive in other parts of the world. My advice when you travel is to observe people and ask someone who is familiar with both cultures to explain any differences in communication. Or watch a youtube video for heaven’s sake. It is 2017.

I also want to talk about our communication when we have conflict. Notice, my dear sweet children, I said WHEN we have conflict and not IF we ever chance to have conflict once in a great while because we don't love our spouses or families enough. No, that’s not the way it works. I have heard story after story about men and women that go into marriage and have their first argument with their new spouse and think everything is done for because they never heard their parents argue or fight and thought there must be something wrong with their relationship now. Maybe arguing and fighting is not the healthiest thing in a marriage but conflict will happen. 

Let’s define conflict again because I think that helped with communication. Conflict is a condition in which a person experiences a clash of opposing wishes or needs. I love this definition because it says a person. One person. Yes, is it possible for a single person to listen to the concerns of their loved ones and have opinions of their own. That creates a conflict! It is normal to experience this. My advice here at the end is to love each other and make decisions together when you experience conflict. Communicate successfully and love each other.  

Just some things I’ve been thinking about lately. I love you guys.

Stress

Dear Kids,

Did you know that you will experience stress someday? I mean, I know you experience stress right now in some ways. You know what it’s like to have things not go your way or struggle with a homework assignment or something like that. Well I just want to say that stress doesn't go away just because you grow up or get a job or have money that you can spend or don’t have to do homework anymore. It just gets different and frankly, it gets more complicated and the things that you stress about have a bigger impact on your life. 

Don’t worry though! The common perception of stress is that it is bad and all bad and not good and just…bad! Well let me tell you that every person needs stressors in their lives to push them along and give experiences that help you grow and develop. Some stress is biological to let you know something is dangerous or that something needs to change. All you have to do is look on TV if you want to see the effects of people that live with relatively few stressors. Many of these rich and famous celebrities have their own TV shows and you would think that if they don't have to worry about making meal plans and paying rent and getting good grades that they don't have anything to be worried about right? Well they make their livings now on the drama that goes on in their lives. Their lives are NOT stress free. Everyone has to deal with stress.

Did you know that the Chinese symbol for crisis is actually two symbols that mean “danger” and “opportunity” respectively. This is very interesting to me because it shows that when we are stressed out and we might be in a state of crisis…it really is a danger that we are recognizing and an opportunity to make a choice. If we continue what we are doing, we are going to be uncomfortable (usually feelings of discomfort do not go away in the middle of a crisis without anything changing). If we change that we can reevaluate our crisis. I thought those Chinese symbols were just so interesting.

Let’s talk about coping. The dictionary talks about coping like this, “to deal effectively with something difficult.” This seems like a good thing to me, right? It seems that most people use the word coping in a negative way. 

“How are you doing?”

   “Oh, I am coping.”

“How’s your day been”

   “Just coping!”

Why is this? Wouldn't we all like to deal effectively with things that are difficult in our lives. Coping is a great skill to have.

I want you to picture a pool in your mind. Maybe like the pools that we always go to with Nana and Papa in Arizona. All around the border of the pool is a special set of blocks or tiles that have a little lip on them overhanging about the water a little bit. Usually that little lip around the outside of the pool is big enough for someone to grab onto, especially if they are in danger of drowning or some other distress in the water. In fact, in many places, it’s mandated by law that this lip be big enough for that very purpose. 

Do you know what this part of the pool is called? Want to just take a stab at it? You may have guessed it…Coping. Is that not interesting?

My fatherly advice to you, my children, would be to embrace stress in your life. Learn that it is good for you and if you learn how to cope and effectively deal with things that are difficult, you will do great!

Just some things that I’m thinking about lately. Love you guys!

Sexual Intimacy

Dear Kids,

You want to know what a ton of married couples struggle with but will never talk about? Sexual intimacy. This is a topic that I guess will be a long ways off for you seeing as how you are just children but it’s something important that you will need to know about. Now I guess it’s not so wrong to never talk about sexual intimacy with others if its not a counselor or someone like that because it really is a private thing between man and woman that ought not be discussed all over the place with friends and family. I only know that it is a very common issue because I’ve heard sex therapists and marriage and family therapists say that it is one of the most common things that couples come in for. 

You might be asking yourself, why would anyone have problems with sexual intimacy after marriage? Isn't that when there is a green light and your are ENCOURAGED to  have sex and be intimate? Well you are right! Sex and intimacy is a wonderful thing inside the bonds of marriage and is encouraged to bring man and woman closer together and to also create new life! The crowning jewel of sexual intimacy is the fact that you start a family and raise children that have some of mom and some of dad. What a miracle! 

So why do people have problems getting this part of their relationship down? Well if you haven't noticed until now, men and woman are a little different. Usually men are the higher desire partners and woman are lower desire. We can talk about what that means in a second. First off though, I must say that what I’m saying is a generalization of course. There are certainly women that are higher desire and men that are lower desire but I’m going to generalize to fit the majority of cases in the world. The higher desire partner, usually the man, can feels closeness and love through physical contact and sex which helps them to express love in other ways like non-sexual touch, loyalty, helping around the house, etc. The problem or challenge comes in when the lower desire person, most often the woman, only wants love through sex AFTER all those other pieces are in place (non-sexual touch, loyalty, helping around the house, et.). You can see how if this little cycle is off or if pieces are missing, it can lead to problems. 

I heard a sex therapist once talk about Duty Sex, Guilty Sex, and Charity Sex. None of these is really an expression of love and they don’t last long let me tell you. Couples need to work hard to make sure that their relationships include all forms of love outside of sex before that piece can really be functional.

Another thing we talked about in class is communication with your partner regarding sexual matters. It sort of is the “good girl” syndrome that this sex therapist talks about where people think that it somehow is not acceptable to talk to their partner about what they like and do not like sexually. You may think, “good girls don’t do this” or “good girls don’t pay attention to this” but trust me…the husband will not know what to do if you don’t clue him in. Imagine getting a back rub or back scratch and you were not allowed to say, “up a little…to the left a little…down a tiny bit…ok right there. That feels good." Communication is key!

Anyway, all of this to say that you need to make sure you’re showing love outside the bedroom to have the best kind of love inside the bedroom and make sure you are communicating! People have not mastered telepathy yet.

Just some things that I’ve been thinking about. Love you guys.

Transitions in Marriage

Dear Kids,

Someday, when you’ve dated someone long enough that you know what kind of marriage partner they will be, you will want to get married. There are some things that are very helpful to hear before you get married about the transition into marriage. 

There is a misconception, I think, with expecting life to be exactly the same when you're married as when you are engaged or dating. This is not true. Don’t get me wrong though. There are some things that will hopefully stay the same. You relationship with your spouse will stay the same. You will still depend on each other for everything. You’ll still be with your spouse all the time and even more now that you are married and living together and yes…It is a much better idea to get married BEFORE you live together. Fun fact…couples that cohabit before married are about 33% more likely to get a divorce than couples that wait to get married according to research. Anyway…This is all good stuff that needs to stay the same as you transition into married life.

Some things need to change as you give yourself fully to your new spouse. It seems like a novel idea but your relationship to others, needs to change. Let me explain a little.

There is a story about two male friends that work together and go out to lunch together on their lunch break. One time the wife of one of the friends comes along to the lunch destination. While waiting for a table, the wife see another man on his way out of the restaurant that she is obviously very familiar with. She lights up when she sees him and they embrace and laugh and talk for a minute or two, touching each other casually on the arm and shoulders as they interact. The unmarried work friend assumes this is a cousin or a brother, judging by the comfort and intimacy of the contact with someone other than this woman’s spouse. When the wife comes back, he says, “I didn’t know you had family around here!” She responds, “Oh he’s not family. He’s my best friend. We've known each other since we were kids. He’s the best.” 

…

The friend looks confused over at his married co-worker about his wife’s relationship outside of their marriage. His friend returns with an expression that says, “don't even get me started about how weird and inappropriate this is.” It was obvious that this “best friend” relationship had been and likely still was a point of contention between husband and wife. I wonder if the wife would be as comfortable with the idea of a “best friend” that isn’t your spouse if her husband also had a female best friend that wasn’t her…

This sort of scenario plays itself out constantly among married couples. Whether it’s on Facebook or text message or in the workplace. Spouses do not seem to understand the boundaries that need to be set after you are married. It’s not because every private exchange with someone will lead to infidelity, even though it could and constantly does throughout the world. The main point is that you become one with your spouse. You leave all others, even parents behind to complete your life with this person. 

It certainly isn't the norm to follow and abide by boundaries after marriage. Many couples will think you are totally silly for conforming to certain rules or might even go from silly to offended and think you assume things will get out of hand. Just remember, many of those people may have had a divorce or two in their past.

Set boundaries and give yourself completely to the love of your life and none other.

Just some things that I’ve been thinking about lately. Love you guys.

Preparing for Marriage

Dear Kids,

One of the most important things you will ever do in life is choose a spouse to spend the rest of eternity with. This is not something to be taken lightly! As you may know (or remember, depending on when you actually read this…) We currently live in Rexburg and the year is 2017. There are a lot of college students around and everyone seems to be full of life and adventure. People are constantly dating and getting engaged and getting married. Two of my employees have gotten engaged just this last semester! It’s a very common place thing here in this little town.

My point is that just because something is common place, does not mean that it isn’t special. And it certainly doesn't mean that you shouldn’t treat it like something special. Let’s pretend that you are going to buy something really expensive. At this stage in your childhood, it would be something like a bike. Later on it will be a car and much later on it will be a house or whatever. Let’s go back to the bike though. If you want a good bike, you will likely do some research on bikes to make sure you're getting a good one. If you really want to make sure, you’ll go to the store and look at some and maybe even try some out. Maybe you have friends that have bikes and you can make mental notes about which ones your like and which ones you don’t like. It takes a lot of preparation to make such a commitment! Don't you think you ought to put at least that much thought into who you want to marry?

The dating process to get ready for marriage can be very similar to this. You want to get to know people while you are dating so you can see what they will be like as a spouse. My teacher in class right now is a Marriage and Family Therapist and he told us in class that when he sees couples with marital problems in his office, he likes to talk to them about the history of their relationship. He likes to know what they were like when they were dating. He says he can tell with about 85% accuracy what people’s marital problems are from their history and how they dated each other. The patterns established while they were dating are the patterns that followed all the way through into their marriage. I think sometimes we just don't see things clearly when we are infatuated and in the middle of being in love with someone. 

Think about this story of a couple that just started dating. She thinks he’s cute, He thinks she’s really good looking. They flirt a lot and hangout a lot. A date night usually consists of her making dinner and him bringing a redox or signing into Netflix. Years and years go by and her primary problem in their marriage is she feels that he doesn't provide for the family. Do you see any correlation?

I want my kids to go on dates and date people (for a while) that show and exemplify the roles that they want to carry out in marriage. I would love it if my daughters expected their boyfriends to plan things and be prepared to take care of them. I would love it if my son would plan things and be prepared to take care of his girlfriend. It may seem like a small thing but your behavior while you're dating can tell a lot about you’re future. Current behavior and past behavior are the best predictors of future behavior.

Just some things that I’ve been thinking about lately. Love you guys.

Gender and Family Life

Dear Kids,

I wanted to talk to you about this before your favorite TV show does or before your school teachers do, or before your friends do. It’s not that I don’t trust those sources at all but sometimes…I don’t trust those sources at all. 

I don't know if gender will still be such a hot-button issue when you guys are grown up a bit but something tells me, it very well could be. It’s a topic that many people discuss and it’s a topic that many people feel very passionately about. Any time anyone is passionate about something, miscommunications can happen and feelings can be hurt.

I want to talk about opinions. Some people say opinions are kind of like feet. Everyone has them and they all stink but mine. You'll see this everywhere in life with opinions about everything. I want you to know that it is ok to have an opinion. You are allowed to feel things and think things and voice those things. 

You are also allowed to observe things. An observation  is unbiased. It’s something that all people can see. The interpretation of why something happens or why something is the way it is might fall into opinions again but the observation itself should be not anything controversial or disputed.

Discoveries or learning might be something that only applies to you. It might be an “ah-ha” moment or something that helps you connect two observations together and make a theory about something. These are ok to have too but don’t be surprised if people do not agree with your discoveries just like your opinions.

You might be wondering why I’m talking about all this in respect to gender and family life. Well, I know that we go to church and that we are taught about families at church. Part of our church beliefs is that our gender is a sacred thing. We believe that our gender is part of our eternal identity. Some people in the world do not believe that. Some people believe that gender is changeable or fluid and always changing for that matter. They might not view things the same way we do. That's ok.

I want you to be able to have your views and opinions and not feel bad about that. I want the same for anyone else that does not believe the same way we do. 

I just want you to be prepared to love people regardless of how they view the world. I want you to be able to rise above political conversations that say we need to be divided and be able to see you fellow men as neighbors and as brothers and sisters.

Rely on prayer and the Spirit of God to show you how to love others like Christ did. There is a huge lie in the world that says, if you believe something differently than me, I cannot love you. That is so untrue. You are allowed to love people that think differently than you. 

I want you to teach your kids this concept as well. Someday you will wrestle with these same ideas. You will wonder how to teach your children values and morals and lessons without making them think they are better than people who have not been taught those same things. You kids will be smart so I know you’ll figure it out. I love you guys so much and I cant wait to see what kind of adults you will become. I know you will make me and your mother proud.

Just what I’ve been thinking about lately. I love you guys.

Social Class & Cultural Diversity

Dear Kids,

Right now, you are all pretty young and largely unaware of anything dealing with social classes. You know some things pertaining to cultural diversity because you have many friends and classmates that are from different countries or have different traditions than you are used to. 

Well, I want you to know that I think social classes are very silly but they are a part of life for some reason. As soon as anyone gets ahead in life and makes a better situation for themselves, it seems almost inevitable that they begin to prop themselves up and look down on others. I don't understand it and I don't like it, but it seems to be the case. PLEASE, don’t do this.

I want you to grow and be successful in life. I want you all to have security and safety and have opportunities that come from wealth and success. My greatest desire is that it comes to you without the pride and the awareness of a higher “social class” that makes you somehow better than your neighbor. 

I watched a couple video clips about people from different social classes. They all seemed so silly. There was one story of a woman and her fiancé driving in a car together through some neighborhood. It seemed to me that they could have been deciding on where they would live together. It was a point of strife for them because, in their minds at least, they came from different social classes. She was supposed to be high class and he was, I think, middle class. It must have been middle class because I don't think she would have been seen with him if he was lower than that on the totem pole. It didn't seem like she wanted to associate with any of his family or peers because they were also middle class instead of upper class.

Can I tell you kids…It does not matter where you come from or how much money you make. Strength of character is what counts. Moral values and life goals are what counts. When your mother married me, she told me that she would rather marry me and live in a cardboard box than marry anyone else and be rich for the rest of her life. Luckily, we have never had to live in a cardboard box, but we know why we are together and it has nothing to do with social class.

I also want to talk about cultural diversity. There are many different cultures represented in the United States of America. I think it’s wonderful that peoples from all over the globe can live together, work together, go to school together, and even go to church together. Culture doesn't necessarily have to have anything to do with religion or belief systems. Sometimes they go together but not necessarily. It’s just important for you kids to realize that people are not bad because they are different from you. It seems to be human nature to think that anything different is bad in some way. This is not the case. If it was, how would we learn anything new or why would we take vacations to other states or other countries? Our lives would be terribly boring. I am so glad that we are about to worship God and celebrate holidays and celebrate traditions however we see fit as long as we aren't hurting others of course. I know you are good kids but just remember to celebrate differences instead of make them a dividing wedge to drive people apart. 

Just some things I’ve been thinking about. I love you guys.