Sexual Intimacy

Dear Kids,

You want to know what a ton of married couples struggle with but will never talk about? Sexual intimacy. This is a topic that I guess will be a long ways off for you seeing as how you are just children but it’s something important that you will need to know about. Now I guess it’s not so wrong to never talk about sexual intimacy with others if its not a counselor or someone like that because it really is a private thing between man and woman that ought not be discussed all over the place with friends and family. I only know that it is a very common issue because I’ve heard sex therapists and marriage and family therapists say that it is one of the most common things that couples come in for. 

You might be asking yourself, why would anyone have problems with sexual intimacy after marriage? Isn't that when there is a green light and your are ENCOURAGED to  have sex and be intimate? Well you are right! Sex and intimacy is a wonderful thing inside the bonds of marriage and is encouraged to bring man and woman closer together and to also create new life! The crowning jewel of sexual intimacy is the fact that you start a family and raise children that have some of mom and some of dad. What a miracle! 

So why do people have problems getting this part of their relationship down? Well if you haven't noticed until now, men and woman are a little different. Usually men are the higher desire partners and woman are lower desire. We can talk about what that means in a second. First off though, I must say that what I’m saying is a generalization of course. There are certainly women that are higher desire and men that are lower desire but I’m going to generalize to fit the majority of cases in the world. The higher desire partner, usually the man, can feels closeness and love through physical contact and sex which helps them to express love in other ways like non-sexual touch, loyalty, helping around the house, etc. The problem or challenge comes in when the lower desire person, most often the woman, only wants love through sex AFTER all those other pieces are in place (non-sexual touch, loyalty, helping around the house, et.). You can see how if this little cycle is off or if pieces are missing, it can lead to problems. 

I heard a sex therapist once talk about Duty Sex, Guilty Sex, and Charity Sex. None of these is really an expression of love and they don’t last long let me tell you. Couples need to work hard to make sure that their relationships include all forms of love outside of sex before that piece can really be functional.

Another thing we talked about in class is communication with your partner regarding sexual matters. It sort of is the “good girl” syndrome that this sex therapist talks about where people think that it somehow is not acceptable to talk to their partner about what they like and do not like sexually. You may think, “good girls don’t do this” or “good girls don’t pay attention to this” but trust me…the husband will not know what to do if you don’t clue him in. Imagine getting a back rub or back scratch and you were not allowed to say, “up a little…to the left a little…down a tiny bit…ok right there. That feels good." Communication is key!

Anyway, all of this to say that you need to make sure you’re showing love outside the bedroom to have the best kind of love inside the bedroom and make sure you are communicating! People have not mastered telepathy yet.

Just some things that I’ve been thinking about. Love you guys.