Communication and Conflict

Dear kids,

I want to start off this time by saying I’m so glad that you are my kids and we get to be an a family together! I love all three of you (maybe more someday but three is good for now) and your mother so much, it’s difficult to put anything substantial into words. You could say, it’s hard to communicate how much I love you in words. Lucky for all of us…communication happens in many more ways than just words! That’s what I've been thinking about lately.

First, I think it’s beneficial to define “communication” so we have something to go on here. One definition of communication that I really like is, “the successful conveying of ideas and feelings.” I like this because it shows that REAL communication is successful. If you are really communicating that you are successfully conveying ideas and feelings. We’ve all heard people say, “well he just doesn’t communicate” or “you’re not communicating with me.” These are all sort of inaccurate. When you feel someone is not communicating, what you really perceive that they are communicating is that they don't love you or care about your relationship. That’s why it's so frustrating when some is “not” communicating. The truth is…communication never sleeps. You are always communicating something whether through your words, your actions, your facial expressions, your decisions, your dress and grooming...do you get my point? You are ALWAYS communicating SOMETHING.

Since there are always at least two people involved with communication, another part of communicating is…yep you guessed it, receiving that communication, or listening. Listening is so important if we want to show or communicate back (see what I mean by communication never sleeps?) that we care about what the other person has to say. I bet you can already think of the ways that we show someone we are listening actively to them. We nod our heads and say things like, “yeah… uh-huh… I know what you’re saying…uh-huh”. We can also make eye contact and keep our hands distraction free from phones or other things to show the other person that we care about the conversation. Experts call this tracking. Keep in mind that tracking and what is socially acceptable can change in different cultures so what might be nice and polite here could be offensive in other parts of the world. My advice when you travel is to observe people and ask someone who is familiar with both cultures to explain any differences in communication. Or watch a youtube video for heaven’s sake. It is 2017.

I also want to talk about our communication when we have conflict. Notice, my dear sweet children, I said WHEN we have conflict and not IF we ever chance to have conflict once in a great while because we don't love our spouses or families enough. No, that’s not the way it works. I have heard story after story about men and women that go into marriage and have their first argument with their new spouse and think everything is done for because they never heard their parents argue or fight and thought there must be something wrong with their relationship now. Maybe arguing and fighting is not the healthiest thing in a marriage but conflict will happen. 

Let’s define conflict again because I think that helped with communication. Conflict is a condition in which a person experiences a clash of opposing wishes or needs. I love this definition because it says a person. One person. Yes, is it possible for a single person to listen to the concerns of their loved ones and have opinions of their own. That creates a conflict! It is normal to experience this. My advice here at the end is to love each other and make decisions together when you experience conflict. Communicate successfully and love each other.  

Just some things I’ve been thinking about lately. I love you guys.